Sunday 31 January 2016

Moving Forward

Another quote from my book this morning, lesson for the first Sunday in Advent caught her attention "It is high time to wake out of sleep... The night is spent the day is at hand: let us therefore cast off the works of darkness, and put on the armour of light....."

So this spurred me out of bed,showered, dressed, best bib and tucker even breakfasted. 

I'm sitting on a coffee shop waiting for my old boss, he's fifteen minutes late with no word. 

I am trying to feel positive - this was an action with a purpose - to see how the state of play is - whether there would be any locum work. I keep saying to myself he would be dealing with an emergency - hang on don't feel rejected - don't feel angry that all this effort you made this morning has been a waste. 

Half an hour after our scheduled meeting he rung and said there was a problem ... Still feeling cheesed off I shared my frustrations with my BF who came back with these wise words..... " He's stuck in the Office and being a typical mail is crap at communicating....he shouldn't have made a meeting first thing on Monday morning knowing that usually Mondays when it becomes clear what things have cropped up not dealt with last week who hasn't turned up on the Monday and what impact that has on the rest of the week etc !" She ofcourse is right. I treated myself to a coffee sat on my phone the glories of being able to do admin wherever you are able to answer emails and then go off to buy kitten food

As January was a right off - this is my New Years Day

I know what I need to do. I know I have the skills and knowledge to do this. However I also know I'm currently lacking the motivation and confidence to do so. To the outside world this is laughable. "Of course she has the confidence she ouzes it from every pore in her body".  

Awake at 6 AM, I have not got worried that I'm going to sleep through my alarms and I set up three of them including my husband who is going to ring you at 8 o'clock. Is dead before he left for work bought me a cup of tea thankfully received.

I would like to say I have the motivation to jump out of bed with energy and excitement about my day ahead however I am in pain, my fatigue levels are reasonably high and so are my anxiety levels.

I am distracting myself with in a book that in the back of my mind I feel I should be practising mindfulness instead or of course getting up to do Bible study and putting all my concerns to him up there.

I feel really lonely and in many respects forgotten. I would like to put the radio on for company but I know my favourite station radio two will be full of the loss of the Terry Wogan. Sad that it is, I don't want to be reminded about loss. I also want to say to people this cry of stamping out cancer once and for all what are people going to die of if not cancer? Of course it is heartbreaking when a person is not in the older stage of their life cycle, and of course I would advocate the hope that treatment could put off death till later in life but I also wonder about the science of trying to stop the natural rhythms of life and natural selection.

So this morning a quote from the book that is make me thoughtful "how many people refuse to recognise the happiness at their own doorsteps and spend a life searching for some mythical bluebird"

This brings me to the current tug-of-war that my brain is having with my current life, in all intents purposes I have retired due to ill health, I am living a life of a retired person, however this is not making me happy. The big elephant in the room I am not financially independent. We are asset rich and cash poor. This means that I am stuck indoors for most of the week, reading crafting and sorting out projects such as my photographs, hobbies but do you fill me at times with pleasure but when they are daily occupations, pleasure is a dull and often unsatisfactory. As well is this my pleasure food is not helping both my hips my waistline and my general health. 

I was brought up to be independent and to serve others and I feel neither of which I am achieving at the moment.

So for me it's the first day of the New Year and I have opportunities that I can take to change the situation and with a clean sheet I need to kick myself up the bum and find the motivation from somewhere to start changing small aspects of my life for the better as only I can do this.