Moving Forward

Another quote from my book this morning, lesson for the first Sunday in Advent caught her attention "It is high time to wake out of sleep... The night is spent the day is at hand: let us therefore cast off the works of darkness, and put on the armour of light....."

So this spurred me out of bed,showered, dressed, best bib and tucker even breakfasted. 

I'm sitting on a coffee shop waiting for my old boss, he's fifteen minutes late with no word. 

I am trying to feel positive - this was an action with a purpose - to see how the state of play is - whether there would be any locum work. I keep saying to myself he would be dealing with an emergency - hang on don't feel rejected - don't feel angry that all this effort you made this morning has been a waste. 

Half an hour after our scheduled meeting he rung and said there was a problem ... Still feeling cheesed off I shared my frustrations with my BF who came back with these wise words..... " He's stuck in the Office and being a typical mail is crap at communicating....he shouldn't have made a meeting first thing on Monday morning knowing that usually Mondays when it becomes clear what things have cropped up not dealt with last week who hasn't turned up on the Monday and what impact that has on the rest of the week etc !" She ofcourse is right. I treated myself to a coffee sat on my phone the glories of being able to do admin wherever you are able to answer emails and then go off to buy kitten food

As January was a right off - this is my New Years Day

I know what I need to do. I know I have the skills and knowledge to do this. However I also know I'm currently lacking the motivation and confidence to do so. To the outside world this is laughable. "Of course she has the confidence she ouzes it from every pore in her body".  

Awake at 6 AM, I have not got worried that I'm going to sleep through my alarms and I set up three of them including my husband who is going to ring you at 8 o'clock. Is dead before he left for work bought me a cup of tea thankfully received.

I would like to say I have the motivation to jump out of bed with energy and excitement about my day ahead however I am in pain, my fatigue levels are reasonably high and so are my anxiety levels.

I am distracting myself with in a book that in the back of my mind I feel I should be practising mindfulness instead or of course getting up to do Bible study and putting all my concerns to him up there.

I feel really lonely and in many respects forgotten. I would like to put the radio on for company but I know my favourite station radio two will be full of the loss of the Terry Wogan. Sad that it is, I don't want to be reminded about loss. I also want to say to people this cry of stamping out cancer once and for all what are people going to die of if not cancer? Of course it is heartbreaking when a person is not in the older stage of their life cycle, and of course I would advocate the hope that treatment could put off death till later in life but I also wonder about the science of trying to stop the natural rhythms of life and natural selection.

So this morning a quote from the book that is make me thoughtful "how many people refuse to recognise the happiness at their own doorsteps and spend a life searching for some mythical bluebird"

This brings me to the current tug-of-war that my brain is having with my current life, in all intents purposes I have retired due to ill health, I am living a life of a retired person, however this is not making me happy. The big elephant in the room I am not financially independent. We are asset rich and cash poor. This means that I am stuck indoors for most of the week, reading crafting and sorting out projects such as my photographs, hobbies but do you fill me at times with pleasure but when they are daily occupations, pleasure is a dull and often unsatisfactory. As well is this my pleasure food is not helping both my hips my waistline and my general health. 

I was brought up to be independent and to serve others and I feel neither of which I am achieving at the moment.

So for me it's the first day of the New Year and I have opportunities that I can take to change the situation and with a clean sheet I need to kick myself up the bum and find the motivation from somewhere to start changing small aspects of my life for the better as only I can do this. 

The unhealthy impact of poor customer service

Rarely I physically go shopping, it's a great effort and I am forever having to problem solve and work round hurdles. 

However, I needed to do some business banking and buy mounting board for a charitable project I am involved in. I psyched myself up, borrowed OH car, ( easier for hoisting scooter) and off I went.

First hurdle finding a disabled space with chevrons by the side, to enable me to open my door wide - easier said than done in the large car park.

First stop Metro bank where as always I feel a dog is more esteemed than me. The front doors are not automated. So unless there is a friendly customer entering at the same time I struggle to open the heavy door with one arm while manoeuvring my scooter with the other. Once inside I see dog bowls, as a welcome along with doggy treats on the counter. Fortunately they are not in a dogs reach, mind you neither are they in mine. The scooter is very high, at most people's chest height so up I crane my neck up to pay the chequers in when the assistant looks down at her computer I just see the top of her head. The young woman speaks to me her voice floats over my head I am unable to hear. So I have to ask her to look down at me and repeat what she says, I can see she is reaching on tip toes. I wonder what a child feels as well as other disabled peers when faced with granite slabs. I go out with staff rushing to open the door for me. It is disappointing that in this moder world simple things, like automated front doors, matching the automated internal ones, a door bell to ring for assistance. And a banking desk that has one end lowered to be able to speak face to face with children and those in wheelchairs would be a given, rather than dog  bowls and treats. 

Next stop T K Max, a friend has been raving about this particular store so I thought why not, I found a fab dress - shall I take it home and try it crossed my mind, but no I decided to make the effort and headed for the changing rooms and was so into a generous sized changing room with seat and grab rails, excellent, undressed and with dress on I looked into the mirror.... Well the shop fitter deemed that disabled people would be either "little people" or that they would be completely paralysed as the mirror ended at my chest. No walking stick with me, I wasn't about to try and find another mirror. Fed this back to the assistant in charge of the fitting room, who said " when I paid for my items there would be a feedback form on the back of my receipt" - my purse was firmly staying shut, so that was that. 

Still in the mood for a Christmas dress, I popped next door to Next, I felt I was in a forest of clothes and couldn't see the wood from the trees so to speak. A quick exit, as I then did from Laura Ashley, same problem and nobody around to assist. 

Another Week

7:30 AM and it is Monday morning, it's dark and wet outside and frankly all I want to do is hibernate. 

So today I am longing for a Kate Stubbs hug..... She was the only person who gave me unconditional love as a child. 

Being with her blue my troubles and worries away for just a little while. 

Started the day with my tummy in spasm and then the consequences of that....

I've managed a few tidy up chores and come back to bed with my second cup of tea well actually my third - didn't put a teavag in the pot for my second. 

My good hip hurts - consequence of Friday's treatment I hope. 

I started writing this many weeks ago and today is Thursday and I could honestly say, it is demand vous apart from we swap dark and wet for dull and cold. 

There is deathly silence, I have yet to switch the radio on, and I don't know why I have not, the few words I have said today, was firstly early to my OH reassuring me that the elderly cat was ok, and now a one way conversation with the cats ... Who other than second breakfast really want their zzz's 

Part of me craves this silence, the other half despairs of the feelings of social isolation it raises. Going out takes both energy and money neither of which are in plentiful supply at the moment. I have written this week about keeping going.... And I have 

Tuesday, I spent the day in the study, not as planned .... The diary said Mr Borrow My Doggy in the afternoon and then I had found the mindfulness course I need to do, and that started that night... Good I felt, I would be getting vit D by being out with the dog and then upwards and onwards with my drive to reserect my working life was on track... Then with a phonecall and text, I was derailed...... Course was post phoned as not enough numbers and I wasn't needed to doggy sit... Ok not a problem... I could concentrate on admin and other income streams.

The house was full of life the cleaner was here, and OH was working from home... 

Then OH proposed a date, cinema and supper, but then was postponed as we had forgotten Mr O the grocery delivery, planned because I was out.... 

So I was allowed to sofa surf and catch up on TV let's say Casulty and Vera were not cheerful watching! We did find "mobile phone sales idol" which was rather compelling watching and was really interesting especially about how parents expectations can have a real impact on your mental wellbeing.

Radio on Paul O'Grady and a bowl of hot "shr3ddies" miss kitten is staying close hoping to lick the bowl.

Wednesday was a slow start, and not just me, Mr Big Boy ( cat ) curled up between my legs and I really didn't want to crawl from my pit. However, church and Dad called, showered I realised that window cleaner had arrived, shot out to church and found I was the only one in the congregation, I am never sure whether this is a privilege or not. However, the curate was able to share the sermon she had prepared. Then I shot off down the motorway to Dad, went to the jewellers and had lunch, microwave was passed across and then finally I got my eyebrows plucked!!! 

Home to tea and Mr Big Boy with a poorly bum again.... 

Managed another half day work admin.

My Dad's parting words to me was get someone to lift it in for you its heavy, well it's amazing what two disabled people, two trolleys and stubbornness can achieve. Now the joys of a tip run.....

Microwave in place, after a mini kitchen reorganisation and it was pressed into use, for supper, left overs for JB soup for me. 

TV tonight was Midsummer Murder and knitting.

Both cats wanted to be in bed with us last night, but kitten was jealous and didn't want Mr Big Boy, I on the other hand started to panic... I have this great fear, that a cat will die in bed with us. We slept alone last night...

The Dull Ache of Friendship Rejection

There are days when I have to remember this poem

People come into your life for a reason, a season or lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON.
It is usually to meet in need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
To provide you with guidance and support;
To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or an inconvenient time,
This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realise is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on. 

Some people come into your life for SEASON,
Because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. 
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They used to give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it. It is real. But only for a season. 

LIFETIME relationship teach you lifetime lessons;

Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. 

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. 

It is said love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Hormones are racing and it makes truck in my life even harder.

Last night I had the opportunity to see an old friend, somebody who once was important part of my life. However as the poem goes seasons change chapters close and we have not seen each other for five years and the last time, conversations were okay but I didn't get that feeling of old friends picking up where you left off we were merely acquaintances.

I have never been in the in the circle of their friends, although they were for me in mine. So when my sell by date expired (marriage for them) I was left out in the cold. Ironically they had met a couple of my friends and they had infiltrated there in the circle.

I have been debating whether to go to the event where our paths would cross I knew I would feel both feel very awkward and be reminded of that feeling of rejection.

So I decide to take positive steps firstly I decided not to attend the event. I decided if they contacted me to say they were up the road was I going. I would make a decision at that point; there has been no contact. I seeked out this poem to remind me that some people are here for just the season and therefore to make a point today to remember the times when I really appreciated them in my life and give thanks for them at that particular time. Hoping that the process of being thankful will heal the dull ache of loss. 

What's making me so grumpy and wishing to quarrel with everyone who crosses my path

What is making me short of patience, irritable and angry with the world?

I am still off sick.

I am often in pain and have high fatigue levels 

I am not earning any income 

I/we are in debt 

We have no spare cash for a social life 

I enjoy making doing and mending but at times it's hard not to be able to easily renew worn out things. 

I do not feel of value 

I feel like all my energy is focused on completing chores 

I feel I am not pulling my weight 

I would be happy - keeping house, reading, crafting, volunteering, gardening, projects if I had a small private income to contribute to maintaining a reasonable quality of life 

I am inwardly angry with my parents who have never really recognised the consequences of a disabled child and treating me as "normal" now has major consequences.

I did not want a Pilates spine corrector as my birthday present but knew this was the only way of getting it. Expensive but it will help my back. 

I am frustrated that I am not using my academic achievements - did I achieve them for nothing? 

Waving Goodbye to Complaint Letters

Two virtual bombs landed in my home the day before yesterday... It made me see red, and made me ill and impacted sourly on the eve of my birthday. 

Reflecting today I am sad as other people's assumptions, opinions and actions need not have made this impact on me. 

My initial response was want to "shout" back and respond to their responses. Tell them how unhappy I am with their responses. 

I am of course completely frustrated because they cannot comprehend what it is like to be me, and the impact that failures in their products and services have actually severly impacted my life. Let's face it, nobody can know what it feels like to be you. There are some who can emphasise greatly and you feel that they just get it, sadly though they are in the minority. 

This is the first day of my 47th year, and I want to #doitbetter. So I am going to file the responses. I am not even going to re read it. 

Then I am going to vote with my feet.... 

Dear TGA - I am not going to promote you to anyone, and when I need to look for a replacement I will be looking elsewhere. 

Dear BA - If I can choose any other airline but yours I will 

Next time I want to write constructive feedback... I am going to walk away .... Remind me