Dear Mummy - I don't feel generous

Dear Mummy

Oh how I with you were here now, so you would just sit and listen, and provide the soothing balm you were such an expert at doing. 

There we would be you sitting with a coffee in hand, if at home with the ashtray, cigarette and nail polish to hand. Just listening.

I am sitting here in silence, another typical day in my life at the moment, feeling demotivated and wishing the hours going by until my husband comes home from work.

Deep deep deep down I know that I am really angry with my current situation. I am so confused and I'm struggling to get myself out of it. 

So in January 2014, my life came to complete standstill my body had had enough and it stopped and I have felt in limbo ever since. 

What would I like to be looking forward to - if my fairy godmother waived her magic wand and said she could whisk me off to anywhere I would like, I would be in my favourite hotel - the one I honeymooned in. There I would be sitting in one of the big comfy sofas with afternoon tea in front of me and the piano playing in the background. I am slim dressed elegantly; nails  and hair groomed by professionals. I feel good about myself and if this was a real fantasy I'll be wearing the most gorgeous red high heels.

I would be successful this would be a celebration of some think I had achieved I will not be a alone and I would have OH by my side with one or two people who cared for me and on this occasion they would be treating us ( not the other way round) I would feel loved and be loved.

Instead I am sitting here trying to focus on one of  todays tasks, As Lent begins I have signed up to 40 Acts of Generosity again and as much as I want to do this and I want to look outwards and serve my loving God I feel deep down and I'm angry towards those who are blind and lack understanding to my current health both mental and physical, to my social isolation, and lack of roles and purpose. This is blocking my actions or I do them but not with a peaceful and loving heart. The thing is Mummy I know that you would understand that as I know that you felt so socially isolated and had a lack of purpose when you move from Essex to Surrey and I had all grown-up suddenly and you had left your friends, your community to somewhere new your little girl was about to fly the nest and didn't need you as much any more, you had financial security through my Daddy, equally you had loneliness spending many days like me just in the company of the cat.

So in the next 40 days (well 35 actually) I want to try to do better break this cycle that I am in and try and change things for the better. I need to squash this inner voice that is suffocating my motivation as I do know how, as my massage therapist said to me today I've just got to find the discipline. 

I feel Mummy you would be asking me now what is this 40 Acts of Generosity to focus me I know on the positive. 

Day one started with this quote from the Bible "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind" and "Love your neighbour as yourself" Jesus said "Do this and you will live".Luke 10 27 -29

I know what both you and him are telling me now - stop looking inwards at yourself, and feeling sorry for yourself and telling yourself it's okay because you've achieved X today and actually it's not okay because you could have achieved X and Y today if you'd actually put your mind to it; stopping the self pity.  Looking outwards. 

On day one of 40 Acts, it asks you to look about the circle of relationships in our lives our friends, our family our immediate and wider communities and how we connect with them and as a servant of God how do I serve them, to look at who God has placed in my life. Additionally I add note to self not to see their failings, to look for their attributes- what they can give me and stop being wishful for something that they cannot give that I may crave. but not necessarily need. 

In the next 40 days, actions could be coffee, cake, impromptu meals and visits; handwritten notes and active listening. Again note to self perhaps if I do all these things I might get it in return but if I don't it doesn't matter.

These might be fleeting moments of contact each week I might know the face the name but I don't know their story and perhaps it's time to forget about my narrative, my story and look at other peoples instead. 

you & I stared the same faith, so ultimately I am accountable to my God. I certainly know that it has kept me going throughout my life, is certainly is a help not a hindrance, he is my mentor. Equally, you were another mentor. Today when I have felt down and low, by simply thinking about what both of you would like me to do I can pick myself up dust myself down and get on with it. 

So my cup of tea is cold, I do need to go put the kettle on, to draw line, and begin again with the inner strength, I know your and his love gives me.

And perhaps one day my dream, will become reality - minus the heels of course

Love MM ( mini moaner your nick name for me)

Taking 15 minutes at a time

This was Thursday and it's still with me when the cloud of anxiety and low mood casts it shadow. It's here as a tight ball in the pit of my stomach - nobody to know but me. It's too boring and repetitive to tell anyone else. 

I could easily spiral into self pity and let my emotions overwhelm me... Not today I put my therapist hat on and take charge of myself and put copying strategies into action. 

Priority is to live in the moment - take the next 15 minutes at a time and make them purposeful. 

1. The first is to get out of bed

2. Have a shower, soap yourself in some lovely smelling body wash - currently it's coconut - to remind me of my Caribbean holiday. Clean hair and also spend a few minutes feeling grateful that I have hot running water pouring over my head. Now there are days that I don't feel the love for these thoughts or even to do it. But I make myself because I know the first step in feeling better about yourself is self care. So lastly not forgetting to clean my teeth. A simple task like this one can be a struggle on a bad day. 

3. Get dressed - clean knickers if nothing else 

4. Hot drink, pen and paper - now you are thinking why not breakfast? Well my insides often take a while to straighten themselves out after being horizontal. For several hours so it's better let them all shake down so to speak. 

5. Now it's make a list - plan, pace and challenge myself - might even be the small things - dirty clothes in the laundry basket and make our bed - that is if the cats not on it. Black or blue pen with a bright colour to cross through when I've completed. 

6. So to action I tell myself - the first small  task and then another - I set a timer of my phone - 15 mins then a sit down and reward myself a couple of pages of a book, 15 mins then back to the list and the cycle starts again 

Keeping Going

""You lot know me, I never completely give up I huff and moan and feel sorry for myself for a bit but I'm always come back fighting in the end" crazy cat lady MSE

And yesterday that's what I did, kitten food, pedal bin liners.

Then a healthy break an hour of exercise - for an hour a week I have some would say an extravagance an hour of Pilates with a personal tutor 

After a small break... I went upstairs and started to tackle my work in tray, that had been left undisturbed for months...... And chalked up a half day. 

Not only that but after supper I went out to Amdrams and 5 minutes later I was climbing across steel joists in the search for props, a guided tour of the building, 10 minutes chatting to folks, and a walk back to the car and my hips and pelvis were on fire, red hot polka stabbing and telling me just how much they were unhappy.

I went to bed though feeling satisfied that I had kept going.... 

Moving Forward

Another quote from my book this morning, lesson for the first Sunday in Advent caught her attention "It is high time to wake out of sleep... The night is spent the day is at hand: let us therefore cast off the works of darkness, and put on the armour of light....."

So this spurred me out of bed,showered, dressed, best bib and tucker even breakfasted. 

I'm sitting on a coffee shop waiting for my old boss, he's fifteen minutes late with no word. 

I am trying to feel positive - this was an action with a purpose - to see how the state of play is - whether there would be any locum work. I keep saying to myself he would be dealing with an emergency - hang on don't feel rejected - don't feel angry that all this effort you made this morning has been a waste. 

Half an hour after our scheduled meeting he rung and said there was a problem ... Still feeling cheesed off I shared my frustrations with my BF who came back with these wise words..... " He's stuck in the Office and being a typical mail is crap at communicating....he shouldn't have made a meeting first thing on Monday morning knowing that usually Mondays when it becomes clear what things have cropped up not dealt with last week who hasn't turned up on the Monday and what impact that has on the rest of the week etc !" She ofcourse is right. I treated myself to a coffee sat on my phone the glories of being able to do admin wherever you are able to answer emails and then go off to buy kitten food

As January was a right off - this is my New Years Day

I know what I need to do. I know I have the skills and knowledge to do this. However I also know I'm currently lacking the motivation and confidence to do so. To the outside world this is laughable. "Of course she has the confidence she ouzes it from every pore in her body".  

Awake at 6 AM, I have not got worried that I'm going to sleep through my alarms and I set up three of them including my husband who is going to ring you at 8 o'clock. Is dead before he left for work bought me a cup of tea thankfully received.

I would like to say I have the motivation to jump out of bed with energy and excitement about my day ahead however I am in pain, my fatigue levels are reasonably high and so are my anxiety levels.

I am distracting myself with in a book that in the back of my mind I feel I should be practising mindfulness instead or of course getting up to do Bible study and putting all my concerns to him up there.

I feel really lonely and in many respects forgotten. I would like to put the radio on for company but I know my favourite station radio two will be full of the loss of the Terry Wogan. Sad that it is, I don't want to be reminded about loss. I also want to say to people this cry of stamping out cancer once and for all what are people going to die of if not cancer? Of course it is heartbreaking when a person is not in the older stage of their life cycle, and of course I would advocate the hope that treatment could put off death till later in life but I also wonder about the science of trying to stop the natural rhythms of life and natural selection.

So this morning a quote from the book that is make me thoughtful "how many people refuse to recognise the happiness at their own doorsteps and spend a life searching for some mythical bluebird"

This brings me to the current tug-of-war that my brain is having with my current life, in all intents purposes I have retired due to ill health, I am living a life of a retired person, however this is not making me happy. The big elephant in the room I am not financially independent. We are asset rich and cash poor. This means that I am stuck indoors for most of the week, reading crafting and sorting out projects such as my photographs, hobbies but do you fill me at times with pleasure but when they are daily occupations, pleasure is a dull and often unsatisfactory. As well is this my pleasure food is not helping both my hips my waistline and my general health. 

I was brought up to be independent and to serve others and I feel neither of which I am achieving at the moment.

So for me it's the first day of the New Year and I have opportunities that I can take to change the situation and with a clean sheet I need to kick myself up the bum and find the motivation from somewhere to start changing small aspects of my life for the better as only I can do this. 

The unhealthy impact of poor customer service

Rarely I physically go shopping, it's a great effort and I am forever having to problem solve and work round hurdles. 

However, I needed to do some business banking and buy mounting board for a charitable project I am involved in. I psyched myself up, borrowed OH car, ( easier for hoisting scooter) and off I went.

First hurdle finding a disabled space with chevrons by the side, to enable me to open my door wide - easier said than done in the large car park.

First stop Metro bank where as always I feel a dog is more esteemed than me. The front doors are not automated. So unless there is a friendly customer entering at the same time I struggle to open the heavy door with one arm while manoeuvring my scooter with the other. Once inside I see dog bowls, as a welcome along with doggy treats on the counter. Fortunately they are not in a dogs reach, mind you neither are they in mine. The scooter is very high, at most people's chest height so up I crane my neck up to pay the chequers in when the assistant looks down at her computer I just see the top of her head. The young woman speaks to me her voice floats over my head I am unable to hear. So I have to ask her to look down at me and repeat what she says, I can see she is reaching on tip toes. I wonder what a child feels as well as other disabled peers when faced with granite slabs. I go out with staff rushing to open the door for me. It is disappointing that in this moder world simple things, like automated front doors, matching the automated internal ones, a door bell to ring for assistance. And a banking desk that has one end lowered to be able to speak face to face with children and those in wheelchairs would be a given, rather than dog  bowls and treats. 

Next stop T K Max, a friend has been raving about this particular store so I thought why not, I found a fab dress - shall I take it home and try it crossed my mind, but no I decided to make the effort and headed for the changing rooms and was so into a generous sized changing room with seat and grab rails, excellent, undressed and with dress on I looked into the mirror.... Well the shop fitter deemed that disabled people would be either "little people" or that they would be completely paralysed as the mirror ended at my chest. No walking stick with me, I wasn't about to try and find another mirror. Fed this back to the assistant in charge of the fitting room, who said " when I paid for my items there would be a feedback form on the back of my receipt" - my purse was firmly staying shut, so that was that. 

Still in the mood for a Christmas dress, I popped next door to Next, I felt I was in a forest of clothes and couldn't see the wood from the trees so to speak. A quick exit, as I then did from Laura Ashley, same problem and nobody around to assist. 

Another Week

7:30 AM and it is Monday morning, it's dark and wet outside and frankly all I want to do is hibernate. 

So today I am longing for a Kate Stubbs hug..... She was the only person who gave me unconditional love as a child. 

Being with her blue my troubles and worries away for just a little while. 

Started the day with my tummy in spasm and then the consequences of that....

I've managed a few tidy up chores and come back to bed with my second cup of tea well actually my third - didn't put a teavag in the pot for my second. 

My good hip hurts - consequence of Friday's treatment I hope. 

I started writing this many weeks ago and today is Thursday and I could honestly say, it is demand vous apart from we swap dark and wet for dull and cold. 

There is deathly silence, I have yet to switch the radio on, and I don't know why I have not, the few words I have said today, was firstly early to my OH reassuring me that the elderly cat was ok, and now a one way conversation with the cats ... Who other than second breakfast really want their zzz's 

Part of me craves this silence, the other half despairs of the feelings of social isolation it raises. Going out takes both energy and money neither of which are in plentiful supply at the moment. I have written this week about keeping going.... And I have 

Tuesday, I spent the day in the study, not as planned .... The diary said Mr Borrow My Doggy in the afternoon and then I had found the mindfulness course I need to do, and that started that night... Good I felt, I would be getting vit D by being out with the dog and then upwards and onwards with my drive to reserect my working life was on track... Then with a phonecall and text, I was derailed...... Course was post phoned as not enough numbers and I wasn't needed to doggy sit... Ok not a problem... I could concentrate on admin and other income streams.

The house was full of life the cleaner was here, and OH was working from home... 

Then OH proposed a date, cinema and supper, but then was postponed as we had forgotten Mr O the grocery delivery, planned because I was out.... 

So I was allowed to sofa surf and catch up on TV let's say Casulty and Vera were not cheerful watching! We did find "mobile phone sales idol" which was rather compelling watching and was really interesting especially about how parents expectations can have a real impact on your mental wellbeing.

Radio on Paul O'Grady and a bowl of hot "shr3ddies" miss kitten is staying close hoping to lick the bowl.

Wednesday was a slow start, and not just me, Mr Big Boy ( cat ) curled up between my legs and I really didn't want to crawl from my pit. However, church and Dad called, showered I realised that window cleaner had arrived, shot out to church and found I was the only one in the congregation, I am never sure whether this is a privilege or not. However, the curate was able to share the sermon she had prepared. Then I shot off down the motorway to Dad, went to the jewellers and had lunch, microwave was passed across and then finally I got my eyebrows plucked!!! 

Home to tea and Mr Big Boy with a poorly bum again.... 

Managed another half day work admin.

My Dad's parting words to me was get someone to lift it in for you its heavy, well it's amazing what two disabled people, two trolleys and stubbornness can achieve. Now the joys of a tip run.....

Microwave in place, after a mini kitchen reorganisation and it was pressed into use, for supper, left overs for JB soup for me. 

TV tonight was Midsummer Murder and knitting.

Both cats wanted to be in bed with us last night, but kitten was jealous and didn't want Mr Big Boy, I on the other hand started to panic... I have this great fear, that a cat will die in bed with us. We slept alone last night...