Dear Mummy
Oh how I with you were here now, so you would just sit and listen, and provide the soothing balm you were such an expert at doing.
There we would be you sitting with a coffee in hand, if at home with the ashtray, cigarette and nail polish to hand. Just listening.
I am sitting here in silence, another typical day in my life at the moment, feeling demotivated and wishing the hours going by until my husband comes home from work.
Deep deep deep down I know that I am really angry with my current situation. I am so confused and I'm struggling to get myself out of it.
So in January 2014, my life came to complete standstill my body had had enough and it stopped and I have felt in limbo ever since.
What would I like to be looking forward to - if my fairy godmother waived her magic wand and said she could whisk me off to anywhere I would like, I would be in my favourite hotel - the one I honeymooned in. There I would be sitting in one of the big comfy sofas with afternoon tea in front of me and the piano playing in the background. I am slim dressed elegantly; nails and hair groomed by professionals. I feel good about myself and if this was a real fantasy I'll be wearing the most gorgeous red high heels.
I would be successful this would be a celebration of some think I had achieved I will not be a alone and I would have OH by my side with one or two people who cared for me and on this occasion they would be treating us ( not the other way round) I would feel loved and be loved.
Instead I am sitting here trying to focus on one of todays tasks, As Lent begins I have signed up to 40 Acts of Generosity again and as much as I want to do this and I want to look outwards and serve my loving God I feel deep down and I'm angry towards those who are blind and lack understanding to my current health both mental and physical, to my social isolation, and lack of roles and purpose. This is blocking my actions or I do them but not with a peaceful and loving heart. The thing is Mummy I know that you would understand that as I know that you felt so socially isolated and had a lack of purpose when you move from Essex to Surrey and I had all grown-up suddenly and you had left your friends, your community to somewhere new your little girl was about to fly the nest and didn't need you as much any more, you had financial security through my Daddy, equally you had loneliness spending many days like me just in the company of the cat.
So in the next 40 days (well 35 actually) I want to try to do better break this cycle that I am in and try and change things for the better. I need to squash this inner voice that is suffocating my motivation as I do know how, as my massage therapist said to me today I've just got to find the discipline.
I feel Mummy you would be asking me now what is this 40 Acts of Generosity to focus me I know on the positive.
Day one started with this quote from the Bible "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind" and "Love your neighbour as yourself" Jesus said "Do this and you will live".Luke 10 27 -29
I know what both you and him are telling me now - stop looking inwards at yourself, and feeling sorry for yourself and telling yourself it's okay because you've achieved X today and actually it's not okay because you could have achieved X and Y today if you'd actually put your mind to it; stopping the self pity. Looking outwards.
On day one of 40 Acts, it asks you to look about the circle of relationships in our lives our friends, our family our immediate and wider communities and how we connect with them and as a servant of God how do I serve them, to look at who God has placed in my life. Additionally I add note to self not to see their failings, to look for their attributes- what they can give me and stop being wishful for something that they cannot give that I may crave. but not necessarily need.
In the next 40 days, actions could be coffee, cake, impromptu meals and visits; handwritten notes and active listening. Again note to self perhaps if I do all these things I might get it in return but if I don't it doesn't matter.
These might be fleeting moments of contact each week I might know the face the name but I don't know their story and perhaps it's time to forget about my narrative, my story and look at other peoples instead.
you & I stared the same faith, so ultimately I am accountable to my God. I certainly know that it has kept me going throughout my life, is certainly is a help not a hindrance, he is my mentor. Equally, you were another mentor. Today when I have felt down and low, by simply thinking about what both of you would like me to do I can pick myself up dust myself down and get on with it.
So my cup of tea is cold, I do need to go put the kettle on, to draw line, and begin again with the inner strength, I know your and his love gives me.
And perhaps one day my dream, will become reality - minus the heels of course
Love MM ( mini moaner your nick name for me)
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